Sunday, February 1, 2015

Refiners fire

Sunday is a day I worship God. It's my favorite day of the week. The one where we rest from our weekly chores and duties and devote our time to him and think of him.  Today I read some things I had written down in my little sketchbook I carry around places.

  "Sometimes he wants you to experience something so you can help other people. Look at it from that perspective.
God will not deliver you from everything.
"Gold does not fear the refiners fire and we are all Gods gold".

I have to remember this sometimes. Especially when I'm hurting. It's hard for me to grasp that I could be suffering with these pains and ailments for the rest of my life, and I try not to think about it. I try to blot it out of my mind. I've become a little pessimistic and a little hopeless even though my faith in Christ has been strengthened. It seems we've tried so many things and nothing has been a definite cure, it is draining and tiring. I don't put much faith in things until I see positive results. I definitely don't believe in miracle pills or cures. God can cure all. But is it his will? If it is, then When? Those thoughts race through me every single day with every intense pain I have. I can't give up though. I have to do all that I can to be here, for my kids.

I texted my brother the other night- sort of venting (ok, it was venting), "I just assumed if I felt like this was what our family was led to do, then I wouldn't really have any issues". 

That hasn't been the case. I have issues and flare ups in town where the trees are, and even here on the beach I have been itchy, breaking out and having bad sinus inflammation. I hope it's just my body needing to adjust to the new climate, but honestly I feel like an alien on planet earth. 

I think my next step is to look into getting tested for Lymes disease/Rocky Mountain yellow fever.something inside me tells me that something is very wrong, that it may not be what I think.  I know God is guiding and aware of me. I know he has answers for me, it's the path along the way that's so hard.

And yet as I look around me, my heart is filled with gratitude for his love and for the blessings he has given my family.  So many people are hurting out there, so many suffering from varying ailments and loss. My heart aches for them. I've developed a deeper empathy for them then I could have ever dreamed of. I hurt inside when I see others hurting. It hits my core. 

If you know someone who's suffering, don't judge their illness ok? Give them a hug, tell them you love them and care about their existence in this world. It may be the only thing left they have reason to hang onto.